The first kiss.

I knew he was leaving. He was leaving the house, not London, but I felt like I would have not seen him again in my life. I had a dream last night. I tried to seduced him and I remember clearly that I was scared.
I was scared not of other people reaction to my behavior, not scared of a possible change in our relationship.
We are friends, real friends. We talk about everything, we laugh, we always have fun. In my dream though, I saw him in a different light. I was scared of his possible reaction of REJECTION.
I kept dreaming as I had the chance to make my dream last longer. I kissed him because he was leaving.
Or I was kissing him because I like him? Answer this, that I do not possess. I know though that I liked kissing him, in my dream I liked it.
The day has gone and he is back home. I am shacking. I feel embarrassment because of what I dreamt.
He does not know, so the embarrassment is almost gone and I tell him about my dream. He laughs, but
he does not seem shocked or nervous about it. Like two friends we laugh about it.
We go to smoke a cigarette together and we joke about the two of us alone in my balcony, but we know is only a joke. Right?
We talk and I feel nervous, my heart is beating and I look at his lips, non stop. I keep looking at his lips and I think I want to kiss him because he was leaving and probably because I wanted my dream to become true or I was just curious to see how it feels. I guess. We finished our cigarette and I did not make a move. I was not ready. We talked face to face at a dangerous distance and I got more and more nervous, I was going to kiss him, but NO I did not. We split and we went to different rooms. His room was wide open and he was talking to me about the nap he was going to take in a minute. I was going back to my room after wishing him to have a good nap and I decided to go back. JUST LIKE THAT!
'Hey I need to do something, no embarrassment though', I went towards him, squeezed his face in my hands and I kissed him. My heart stopped straight away to beat fast as it was doing just before I made my decision.
He kissed me back and when I was done, we agreed that we were ok like we were before.
He said something about the first time, but I can not remember because I stayed in a status of excitement for about an hour. I mumbled that I had to do it because it was a particular of my dream. It did not make sense, but he looked ok. So I went back to my room, I was SMILING. He did not reject me, he kissed me back. I  was sitting on my sofa, thinking about that moment on slow motion, like girls do. Right?
My first time of going crazy like that. My first time of kissing my flatmate, my first 'like that' kiss.
I feel free and a little bit sad because he is still leaving, but the house not London.
I am RELEASED, HAPPY and ADRENALINE FREE.
My motto is to do always what you feel like to do, because time never comes back to give you a second chance.

La vita vissuta, non predicata.

E mi ritrovo qui a giacere sul letto pensando 

di voler andare a mare ad ascoltare il suono delle onde vista la giornata meravigliosa.

Eppur immobile non mi accingo a nessun tipo di azione

che possa accontentare questo mio desiderio.

Intanto attorniata da un quaderno per gli appunti, 

'Il lupo della steppa' di Hesse e il mio telefono

cellulare mi concedo all'ozio meno producente possibile.

Per cui il mio quaderno degli appunti, aperto,

poggia sul mio ventre, Hesse invece sta sul comodino guardandomi urla di leggerlo ed io scrivo sul

mio telefono cellulare, nel quaderno degli appunti virtuale. Quanto male sta il mondo, quanta poca voglia di erudire, quanta poca voglia di imparare, quanta nostalgia dei tempi in cui leggere, imparare,

colloquiare era la cosa più piacevole e

allo stesso tempo eccitante, oltre modo producente,

eppure io non ero ancora nata. 

Non c'ero quando 'La celestina' raccontava d'amore,

non c'ero quando Baudelaire scriveva di quel

male dell'anima, della mente, lo spleen ecco

così si chiamava. Purtroppo non ero ancora in questo 

mondo quando Marlowe rappresentava la concezione 

di macabro e demoniale, di magico e religioso, 

cercando di rappresentare quello che Baudelaire

aveva scritto ne 'I fiori del male' con il suo inno

alla bellezza, 'Viens-tu du ciel profond ou sours-tu de l'abime, O Beauté?'.

Non ero ancora neppur in ventre quando Freud scoprì

la psicoanalisi e i sogni poi condivise con il mondo 
intero le sue teorie.

Non era in programma la mia esistenza 

quando Saint-Exuperié esprimeva la sua più naturale

fantasia scrivendo l'immaginazione che un adulto 

può avere anche se ormai tale e cercare addirittura 

di realizzare qualcuna di quelle fantasie, come guidare

aeroplani e poi peró affrontare la dura realtà 

che la morte può sempre essere al tuo fianco e

abbracciarti nel momento in cui sorridi per il

desiderio che hai appena fatto tuo, appena fatto esperienza. Ebbene si l'amore, quel sentimento 

di male interiore, quella fantasia di macabro 

e quella da bambino che vive in te, quel sogno 

che magari può essere interpretato in un certo modo

e quel desiderio che vorresti tanto realizzare sono dimensioni giá state visitate, studiate, 

vissute, espresse. E a noi rimane leggerle per meglio comprendere il mondo e poi viverle perché

la vita va vissuta non in un letto passando

la giornata a scrivere note sul telefono cellulare,

ma facendo dei desideri e dei sogni

e l'esperienza quella da vivere, da esprimere. 

Adesso penserete che mi sono dunque decisa, mossa e andata

verso la mia meta,il mare. Ma si predica bene e 
si razzola male, starò ancora qui pensando a quanto ipocrita sia il mondo d'oggi con i consigli sul ciò che si 

dovrebbe fare e non invece su quello che é 

l'effetto dell'agire e poi descrivere 

i sentimenti e le cause di quelle azioni.

Il male, il piacere, il dolore, le passioni vissute 

non predicate.

I am craving for love.

And I find myself in a sofa feeling sad, 
feeling lonely and lost.
Me and my 'pretty face' song. Me and my Soley's playlist.
Me and my soul and my thoughts. Me and myself, nude.
I get rid of my dirty clothes and I stop to tell
myself stories about my life.
I regret, I love, I cry. 
Why these feelings have to be interconnected 
to the point I cry for being happy, but then 
I cry because I am sad and finally
because of remembrances.
I evolve myself and then go back to that 
primitive version of myself where
I do not have beliefs and hopes.
I can not love myself more than I do love others. 
Is it a blessing or is it a curse? 
I look down at my keyboard and my brain stop thinking.
'I'll drown' is the title of the song playing right now
on my headphones,
I am drowning or am I drowning myself under thoughts 
I should delete from my mind?
I should let them flow away from the sea of my problems
and doubts and fears.
But they are there, they flow away until
they reach my eyes. 
Tears, my rivers' deltas.
He is in my thoughts when I am sad. 
He is with her. It is my fault or is it his?
After he left me, my life seemed to have taken
a better path. 
Can a person fill in a life, that has a lack of love, 
to the point you feel empty after the person is gone?
Can he forget about someone that fast? 
Can he loves someone else that easily?
Can I still be holding on memories of him?
'And leave' is now playing pealing in my ears
and then I think again that he left me. 
What is this sense of abandonment?
Do I think I will not find someone to love anymore?
Or simply no one like him. I can not accept 
to be deleted from someone's heart like I never existed,
I never filled his heart, his mind.
Is it a 'bad dream'? - the playlist 
is playing the last song,
it seems to know what is going on down there, 
somewhere under my skin.
Is it love or is it just an unacceptable defeat?
Is it that I do not want to feel to be the one 
that has been abandoned?
Is it that I still love him? Is it that 
I do not love myself that much anymore?
It is that I did not find my way yet.
It is that I did not understood myself yet.
It is that it hurts and it hurts more to admit how much
the sorrow is carving deeply inside my soul. 
And I am craving for love.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jt0B3oYgmaA&list=PL0E8831B71F2DAF75

Soley 'I'll drown'.

Il mio credo, il mio peccato.

                                             
Mi mortifica la mia incapacitá di lettura, di apprendimento, di interesse nella societá di oggi e di ieri.
Mi spaventa forse pensare che io non sia poi quella persona tanto innamorata del sapere, forse non sono poi cosí affamata di quelle bellezze artistiche che ho sempre proclamato essere i miei piatti preferiti.Sono forse una di quelle donne superficiali che tanto di borghese fan credere di avere, ma che in realtá poi di bassa casta svelano di essere?
Sono forse una codarda che ha troppa paura d'ammettere la propria ignoranza eppur comoda e pigra non corre ai ripari dall'essere divorata neppur dal vortice del proprio imbarazzo?
Si, é probabilmente la parola giusta. Imbarazzo. Sará quel che prova una persona innamorata dinanzi agli occhi dell'amore trovato, dell'amore che seppur ricambiato ha la vigorositá del giudizio che distrugge, mortifica, imbarazza. Io mi sento cosí, ebbene si, se misurata la mia cosí schifosamente misurata coscienza alla cosí grande, immane, meravigliosa, illimitata e smisurata conoscenza del mondo, dell'universo, io mi mortifico e mi struggo della mia incapacitá di acculturare la mia persona, quel piccolo essere che l'uomo appare se confrontato con il resto neppur dell'universo, ma del globo terrestre.
Io mi mortifico, me ne vergogno e mi faccio dunque d'uno scoglio l'unico appiglio per un aiuto, come cura alla mia ignoranza.Ignoranza che mai andrebbe confrontata, poiché l'unica ignoranza di cui é possibile farne un resoconto, l'unico non sapere del quale é possibile saperne la quantitá é il proprio. Quello scoglio, quello scoglio é di sopravvivenza, mi aiuta a tirarmi su e respirare, quando per l'estrema ignoranza intento acculturare la mia persona e allora mi appiglio alla speranza che un giorno quello scoglio potró cavalcarlo, ma in un mare di conoscenza si potrebbe anche affogare. Cosí che pare scelsi la via della mediocritá che mi vede appesa all'appiglio della sopravvivenza, che separa dalla morte ignorante e la morte di conoscenza estrema sino a che il delirio prende possesso della capacitá intellettiva.
La mediocritá fu la mia scelta, forse non voluta, forse sbagliata, ma chissá la piú adatta, é questo il peccato piú grande che l'umanitá puó mai commettere: cedere agli eventi, farsi trasportare dagli avvenimenti e mai scegliere per se, mai prendere decisioni per la propria vita, ecco il male dell'ignoranza, ignorare addirittura sé stessi, la propria vita.

The great person you want to be.

And when you hold on tight on something that does not have that much importance in your life anymore, it is when you understand how bad you had given values to things in your life.
You met a person and you think is special, just because you already lost someone special in your life.
The worse mistake ever: is to think it is even possible to replace someone which had a certain importance in your life with something/someone else that has not even  the 0,01% of value in your life path.
It takes time to heal up, but never lose track of the many steps forward you took until now. Do not forget how better you are now and that you can only thanks yourself for that. Do not give value to someone that does not think you valuable enough to even consider the idea you are a human being.
You are a human being like all the others, and while you are giving the wrong importance to someone that does not care about you, that person and the rest of the world is out there living their life. What about you?
At the end of the day, who really counts is you. At the end of your path what really matters is what did you do with your life? And your life is only your. It is your decision to live your life the way you want. You decide what are your priorities and who truly counts in your life.
Because in the end of the thousands tears you dropped, the thousands smiles you used to cover your sadness, the thousands hands you held to feel better, at the end of all, nobody cares and life does not care either. Give the right value to what/who you believe is worth to even be in your life at first place, be what you want to be, no matter what. Be the great person you want to be. It is not always the best to find yourself alone facing everyday life, but it makes you stronger...Perhaps, that makes you better. For what I learned during my life path is that, trying to be always right does not make you a better person, listen to the others does. Experience is not just what you experienced but what you see and listen other people had experienced. Being alone is a status you chose. Yes, life does not care. However, every actions you take affects someone else. To be the great person you want to be you need to take control of your life and she will care. The mere acceptance that life does not care is the first step to let life takeover you. You control your life and you care.
You are that great person you always wanted to be.

                                                                                         

Identities of a city.

I am a wonderer.
 I wonder around London, as I do not have idea where I am.
I am also a crazy wonderer.
I smile frequently while I am wondering around the city.
I am in Brixton today, the crowd in the center of the borough makes me feel happy, I am in a big city! The smell of different cultures and traditions mixed all in just one street.
I go out of the station and I smile. I walk and I strangely feel home.
I lived all my life in a small town, in a beautiful Island, I feel home there...I fell home here.
That feeling of belonging we all have, even if in different places of the world, for various and sometimes unknown reasons.
As a crazy wonderer, every time I go from Egham - where I am living at the moment - to London, I feel I am going home, I feel I am finally going home!
I have been living in London for the past couple of years and I never forgot my native land.
I love Sicily, I think of her, I miss her, I am part of her.
I love the smell coming out of the houses, where all the families are preparing Sunday's lunches, I adore the winter's sea color and the summer's one.
I always think about how good the food is and about how much I love my friends and my family down there. I feel I belong to that place, but I feel I belong to this place as well.
This place, London. She is nicely hosting me without asking for anything back, she is giving me amazing possibilities to have a better life, she is opening my mind, she is giving me a new life.
When we feel that kind of feeling of belonging then?
Nationality. I feel I belong to Sicily, because that is the place in which I grown up, the place where I can identify myself as for what concern the language, traditions and culture.
Identity. I feel I belong to Britain as well, because this is the place where I live.
I can identify myself in different aspects that are not traditions or language as a native language, but as part of that group that can speak English and that appreciate the atmosphere of the city, of a big and multicultural city.
I identify myself with all that persons waiting for the underground with their music on, with that group of people that goes around smiling because it was a good day.
I belong to London, because my hair color is red and cyclamen and I listen to tramp music.
I feel part of that movements and flows that a big city can offer.
My identity is not just my nationality.
My identity is what I create during the different experiences of my life.
My identity is the place where I feel I belong to.

Confessions of a Uni.

Where have you been?Matter of life has been unproductive!
I know, I know, but I had to focus on my new (kind of) life!
University is an amazing experience. It is a new reality and a dream for someone like me that comes from a little place in a little -even if awesome- island.
Royal Holloway, is then one of the most beautiful University in London, the campus is a city into the city and the main building is a castle!
I can finally say, I live in a castle!
Beyond the differences between a university environment in Sicily and England, what really called my attention is in how differently is seen being young.
The halls smell of sex and alcohol now more than ever, clubs are full of drunk and therefore funny people. Life on campus is crazy and everything happens in there, in that little city into the city, in that little ball of glass that seems the campus is surrounded by.
They have 'Fitfinder' for whom wants to express his/her love to someone, but can not do it face to face, so he/she writes his/her love on a facebook page. 'To the hot blondie girl...' Seriously?
They have 'Rhul Confessions' another facebook page to confess whatever you have possibly done at university. 'I had sex in Bedford library, while people were studying...' Again seriously?
Life is more about going out than studying.What a waste of money! But hey, most of them are rich kids coming from all over the world and looking for fun, they don't have to pay, in fact their parents will!
Oh, bright side of university...I was almost forgetting about Zombies versus Humans!
We have people going around campus that shoot at each other so they will win their battle as zombies or humans...It is like going back to my childhood...I would have liked to play games like that at school.
Unfortunately, I'm the oldest at university and even if enjoying it, I see things just a little bit differently.
Teachers are mostly PG's which basically means they do not have enough knowledge of the subject, kids are too kids, therefore not enough interested in the subject. There is no intellectual challenges, there is sex and beer and zombies!
We finally have 'Confessions of a Uni', that inspired my post title, a facebook page dedicated to all universities of England to write what their guiltiness is about, who they had sex with, how much they puked last night.
We have more!We have thieves stealing foods from the fridge, girls using the toilet like proper men and disgusting showers as a gorilla just shaved himself in there!I'm not saying that they should go around with their hair like gorillas, but that they can eventually clean the shower just after shaving the gorilla!
We have friends that introduce themselves as so and just after that they go to have sex with the guy you like, we have fake friends, but as well as some good ones that are probably going to be your friends forever. But I'm 24, these things does not work for me anymore!
Eventually, university is like all you are going to face in life, but all at once, guess it is the best way to prepare young people to get tougher and stronger!
They know 'Fitfinder' will not get them marry the one they like, because not everybody read 'fitfinder' or have facebook! They know they can not trust someone just because he/she said she/he is a friend, they know that teachers are guides, but the best learning they can do is to learn by themselves, for themselves.
Knowledge is power is my motto, indeed!

You gotta love yourself.

Don't rely your happiness to anybody else other than you.

No matter how hard they love you, no one is going to  be truly sorry for your sorrow, for you feeling like a failure or for your tears..

No one is going to feel real happiness for your success, for your being happy or for any of your smiles.

No one other than you!

People are part of everyone's happiness, just as much as we allow them to be that happiness.

We decide if they will be just a part of it, or if they are our entire happiness.

We were born just with few people around us and we are happy, until we grow up and decide that what we have is not enough.

Why can I not be happy as others are?

But we are!

We just don't notice that we are our own happiness!

No one will ever deeply understand your personality and feelings as much as yourself do.

You are the only person, you can truly be honest with, without feel ashamed of anything or without feeling bad  for any crazy, weird or unbelievable thought you possibly might have on your mind ;)

You don't judge yourself for free, if not just for a better YOU.

You are the one that deeply understand what your real needs are and eventually satisfy  them...

No matter how hard people are going to try to make you happy, no one is going to keep their promises or at least most of them will be broken, no one can prevent to not disappoint you, because at one point, it will happen.

People always come and go, while you always going to be there for yourself,

no matter if in hard time or good ones you can always rely on yourself and put a smile upon your face!

U gotta love yourself...and it sounds like I do love myself a lot :S Lol.

P.s: I'm sorry for the cacophony, but the topic couldn't really avoid it.

Take the best from the worst.

It always happens in life to live an awful, obscure, confused period.
As it happens to everybody, with NO exception, there is no reason in my opinion, to hide your real feelings.
You can react the way you prefer.
Scream, sing, break a jump, train as tough as you can, work 24/7, look for excitement, do new things, meet new people, go abroad, close yourself home, eat, don't eat, etc...
None of those reactions are questionable.
You can hide to people you are living in a hell, but never hide it to yourself and always try to get the best from a new situation, from a change, from a period of sorrow, don't let it bring you down, EVER!
Sharing is a good thing though.
Everybody cry, everybody suffer or had to in past anyway, no one can actually judge because we are all in  the same position, we are all human!

After I took the picture I was smiling again, because something creative came out.
Things like that, remind me of how beautiful life is, no matter what you are going through, no matter if you are going through it alone or not, let the sorrow goes down from your eyes and take the good from that experience.
You never know what you are going to learn, while you are blind trying to find a reason!
Try to find a good reason to smile instead.
Always free yourself, never take it in, because it is going to explode anyway.
Choose your way, but express yourself.

                                                 
The beauty of what can come up from sadness is "art" sometimes.

Life challenges.

It always seems life challenge you everyday harder!
There is always something on your way you might not like, but she doesn't give you the chance to choose,
you have to face it, in sorrow, in happiness, in whatever you prefer,
you've got no choice!
I wrote "she" as I think life is a "female", in fact girls can be real bi***es!
But I'm happy I'm knocking her out pretty well!
Patience is a really good virtue and it will be definitely a pay back for you being patient, so never let anything or anyone bring you down if not yourself!

And the winner is: Meditation!

Yes, meditation is the key.
I was one of the "uncertain" about it.
"Hmm I don't believe too much in this kind of stuff.."
But I've always been into the: "mind can everything!"
So the two things are basically linked.
Yes they are!
Once you convince yourself that you can, you actually can!
And nowadays I can definitely say (I didn't rhyme on purpose by the way):

Giulia-Life 1-0